Why is it that the nights seem to fly by and the days always start too early? I am up at 5 am and by noon, I am ready for a nap. It does not happen that way, but I am ready. Eric is gone so much in preparation for this deployment. We barely see him. Of course after next week it will be 3 months until I see him again. I am not sure how I will manage, but I guess the kids and I will find a rhythm and a way of getting through the days. My days are so busy I don’t notice the silence, but after all the kids are in bed and the house gets quiet, I miss him so much. And those are the days I know he is coming home.
Of course, this is not our first separation, nor will it be the last I am sure. I have become so dependent on him over the past 10 years. I seem to have lost the independent spirit I once embraced in favor of the comfort of knowing he was here with me, to handle the stuff I didn’t want to and just to support me with his presence. Somewhere along the way I decided to lean on someone else instead of relying only on myself. And I didn’t even notice it happening.
The kids seem to be adjusting to the fact that he is leaving for so long, but I am sure as it sinks in after he leaves, there will be a lot of tears and questions. Questions I am not sure I can answer. My greatest fear in all of this is that I will fail my children and my husband. I don’t fear for his safety or his life, not in the forefront ofmy mind, but in the back of my head there is always that fear lurking. He is well trained and has trained his fellow soldiers well. He excels at the Army stuff even though sometimes his civilian skills are lacking. I fear that I will fail and for me that is worse than anything, even worse than facing the rest of my life alone. I am trying so hard to be the strong parent for my kids because no matter the outcome of his service in Iraq, they need to feel safe and secure. I think of all the things he is going to miss and my heart just breaks, as I am sure his does when he takes the time to think about it too. Eric missed Aaron’s birth and homecoming, through no fault of his, and now he will be missing the most fascinating parts of his development, the talking and becoming his own little personality. Aaron will be a baby when he leaves, but a preschooler when he comes home. That is why this blog is being written. I hope it will keep all of us connected through the longest year of our lives.
