Disappointment….

Well, after all the excitment and preparations, we are on hold.  The flights are delayed and we will not be seeing Eric this weekend as planned.  Now we are rescheduled for another day next week.  I am really upset but do understand that we cannot control the flights.  The kids are upset too but they are not as understanding.  It has made for a very tense day. 

Now comes the hard task of finding a hotel room for another day since the one on the base is full for the day we are supposed to be there.  I am not sure if we will be able to find one or not.  This also pushes back the final homecoming and is creating a lot of worry for me.  I want him home!

Why am I…

so nervous?  It’s a good kind of nervous, but nervous still.  It’s that first date butterflies type of nervous.  I know that very shortly I will be seeing Eric again for the first time in a long time.  I am so excited to see him.  It’s like Christmas morning all over again!   I am constantly amazed at how after 18 years of knowing Eric, I still get butterflies at the thought of seeing him.  Holding his hand and kissing him still makes me giddy and the thought of anything else with him, well, I will keep this post PG.

I have our suitcase packed for the weekend trip to New Jersey and the dogsitting arrangements are made.  All I need to do is wash diapers tomorrow evening and do some clean up Saturday morning and then we are out of here!    I just hope the weather holds because it will not be fun sitting outside in the rain with the kids during the reception.  I am so happy that we are one of the first units to go through this instead of the last.  The anticipation is killing me!

That was a fun conversation….

Let me sum my online chat with my wonderful husband in one word, Wow!  That was by far one of the most interesting conversations we have had in a long time.  Funny how typing to him brings out the devil in me. 

I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed today and I need to talk myself out of it.  I am noticing how my moods are tied directly to the chaos surrounding me.  It used to not bother me, but more and more, I find myself unable to deal with chaos and clutter.  I am going to start decluttering in earnest this week because I just can’t handle the piles of stuff all over.  A packrat I will never be.  Does anyone else feel a burning need to simplifiy their lives once they reach a certain age or is it just me?  I have felt this way for a few years, but this past year it is really getting the better of me.  I have wondered if it is because I have a larger than average family so we have more than usual stuff or if it is because I have nothing else to focus on right now or maybe I am taking after my mother with the OCD.  who knows.  I just know that I need to get rid of stuff and simplify big time. 

I am counting down the days til I see Eric again.  That is the one bright spot in my week, know ing we are so close to the end.  I can’t wait!

A great birthday!

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday.  I can tell you that I have the best friends in the world.  Friday night they surprised me with cake and gifts which I was totally not expecting.  We had a great time on the patio eating and drinking.  We even outlasted the kids, hee hee.  Saturday we went shopping for school supplies and clothes and Sunday 2 of my friends took me out for lunch, a movie and some yummy ice cream afterwards.  Then my inlaws took me out for dinner with my boys.  My kids made me cards and breakfast and we went to the park with another friend and his son yesterday morning for some play time.  It was a great day marred only by the fact that my wonderful husband wasn’t there.  I did get to talk to him on the phone and for once in our lives neither one of us could come up with anything to talk about.  Go figure. 

Today is a sunny day already.  We are predicted to have temps in the 90’s which makes for some hot rooms upstairs in the house.  Unfortunately those are also the rooms that need cleaned to most.  Grrr.  I hope to get them cleaned quickly so I don’t have to be up there too long.  We have been fortunate this summer that we haven’t had too many really hot days yet and summer is almost over.  The kids start school 2 weeks from today.  I can not wait!  I am craving a routine right now and I know that school will provide it.  Soccer also starts in a few weeks so we will be busy again. 

I hope this week passes quickly because it means that my husband is that much closer to coming home.  I also hope it doesn’t pass too quickly though because my cleaning needs to get done by then too!

A few more weeks…

the suspense is killing me!!!!  I have never been good with waiting patiently and these last few weeks are proving to be no exception.  I wish I could speed up time.  I have been spending quite a bit of time trying to get my house in order.  That helps pass the time.  I am trying to read, but falling short on that.  I am getting excited for the Rascal Flatts concert I am going to on the 29th too.  A good night out with my favorite girlfriends!  I know we are going to have a great time that night. 

The kids are into watching old musicals right now.  Tonight we are watching The Music Man.  Aaron is a tired heathen tonight though and making it hard for the other kids to actually watch the movie.  I think a little man will need an early bedtime tonight. The kids are enjoying their popcorn so much. 

I have to work tomorrow and Friday but I am looking forward to it.  Sunday I am going to have lunch with my girlfriends and see GI Joe at the theater.  Apparently they feel I need a birthday celebration out instead of sitting at home with my kids.  I think I will buy myself a small birthday cake though to celebrate with the kids later.  Just because I can.  My real celebration will come when Eric is home for good.  Just thinking about it gives me the giddies.  I am so happy to see the end of this deployment it isn’t funny.  I know everyone is happy to see it end.  The best part right now, for me at least, is the fact that we will have a day or two of just the seven of us.  I am kind of anxious to see how Rion gets along with Eric after being with me for so long.  He is so fearful and gets stressed out by men in general.  I hope he can adjust to Eric’s presence in the house.  It may be an interesting few weeks.

Where did it go?

It’s August already?  Are you sure?  Wow, where did the summer go?  Only a few more weeks until Eric is home! 

The kids are starting to get excited, as am I and Eric is too.  We can see the finish line and it is awesome.  This weekend was a lot of fun.  I took the kids to my dad’s new boat today.  My brother, sister in law and nephew and niece all went too.  On the good side it was a beautiful day, the boat is gorgeous, and we were all together.  On the bad side, Aaron cried all day, the kids were fighting most of the day, and we had some mechanical problems.  For those of you that know us, the mechanical problems are just part of a day of boating with my dad.  It wouldn’t be a boat trip with no issues to fix.  I would love to go back to the boat, minus the kids. 

School starts in 3 weeks and we are going to spend some time this week getting things ready.  The kids are not looking forward to it, but on the other side they are excited because they know this means we are closer to Eric coming home.  I can’t wait.  I miss him so much and I am starting to feel better about his homecoming.  I have been so worried and apprehensive because I don’t know what to expect.  We have really been reconnecting on the phone over the past 12 months and honestly it has been time well spent.  We have been really working on our marriage and hopefully it will be stronger than ever after this.  Although I worry sometimes about the changes that have taken place, I am excited to see him and for us to be together again under the same roof.

It’s July!!

Another month gone already.  I cannot believe it is already July.  Just a little bit longer til my soldier comes home.  We had a very busy 4th of July weekend but it was a lot of fun.  Friday we attended an FRG picnic at the armory and watched the fireworks.  It was a great night and the kids really enjoyed watching the fireworks with the rear d commander.  He is an interesting man to talk to and very knowledgable about so many things.  We got a tour of the new building that is being built which was really neat too.  Our soldiers are going to love it when they get home. 

Saturday we hung out around the house until dinner time and then went to my friend Lisa’s for a cookout.  Nothing formal, but good food and company.  Sunday we went to visit my mom and Charlie and ate there as well.  The kids really enjoy spending time with them.  I enjoy the break that their acreage provides since the kids can run and play. 

Yesterday I got the results of my bloodwork from my doctor.  Turns out I have an overactive thyroid and the beginning of diabetes.  Now I really have to double my weight loss efforts and hope that fixes it.  I have been walking a lot with the dogs and I have lost a few pounds so I am going to try really hard to keep it moving.   I was a little depressed about the diabetes but I do have a strong family history so it isn’t really surprising.  Today my friend Brian and his wife and son came to visit me and the kids.  We grilled burgers and dogs and sat outside to eat.  I really enjoyed their visit because Brian is a Marine and has been deployed a couple of times so his wife knows exactly what I am experiencing.  Most of my friends have no clue what it is like so her sympathy and tips on coping were a big plus.

We grilled out again tonight and boy does that make clean up a breeze!  I have to run the dishwasher and do up a few dishes from lunch, but other than that, I can relax tonight.  I am going to bath the little boys and get the situated in bed, walk the dogs and then sit down to watch one of my favorite shows on tv.  I hope the rest of July goes this fast.

Home stretch

We are finally in the home stretch of this deployment. Today we are having our redeployment briefing for the families so we know what to expect, help that is available, and a time frame of when our soldiers will be home. I can’t wait! I also can not believe the June is almost finished and July will be here in a few days. Hopefully July and August go that quickly too.
I had a great party at the house yesterday for my co workers and their families. We had a great time just relaxing in the yard with a ton of great food and a few beers. The kids played in the water table and then the ice bucket and decided it was time to involve the adults too. They all ran around the yard and played with cars and trucks in the grass. We had the most beautiful weather for it too. Sunny and warm, but not too hot to stand it. All in all, a nice day and evening.
The boys really enjoyed the other kids their sizes and I think that as the summer goes on, this will become a more regular event.
Today I have to clean up a few things, but not anything too terrible.
For some reason, I feel really content today. Maybe because of the adult interactions last night, and the fact that my house is in really good shape. I feel so much more settled when the house is cleaned up and tidy. I also slept really well and woke up quite refreshed.
We are moving slow today until the time of the briefing, just enjoying the day. Aidan is playing with a ball and the little boys are upstairs playing with the trains. The girls will be home tonight for the week. I have a busy week ahead with the armory picnic on Friday that I planned but the fireworks will be really enjoyable.
Hopefully this summer will just fly by and fall will be here before I know it. This home stretch feels really good right now.

School’s Out for Summer

The kids have finished school for the summer. They are really excited for summer to begin. First, it needs to stop raining every day though.
I want to take the kids to the pool, and the park at least one day a week. I can’t wait for the sunshine!
I went to see a counselor this past week to help me deal with the emotional toll of the deployment. He diagnosed me with moderate to severe depression and anxiety. Big surprise there. He now wants me to see my doctor and get some meds prescribed to help cope with it. I don’t know how I feel about meds, I am not a fan of them at all, but I guess I need to try somehting because just getting by is not working anymore.
I have been reading an interesting couples book that groups everone into categories. I am definitely a defensive controller. I try to control things around me so I won’t get hurt by people. Control is my coping mechanism. I don’t let people get clsoe to me so they can’t hurt me. The description fit me to a T. Now I need to figure out how to get around that.
Work today was extremely slow. We didn’t leave the station at all today. I did get some sleep which is always nice, but I really wish we could have gotten some calls. Yesterday was a very busy day so I was hoping it would carry over to today..tomorrow is another day and I am hopeful.
Tomorrow evening is going to be another girls’ night at our house. It is too hard for me to go out with the kids so my friends come here. Hopefully it will be nice out and we can use the patio to relax and enjoy the evening. If not, the kitchen is always available.
Aidna is excited because my grandmother has invited him to stay by himself overnight with her. He is really looking forward to it because normally he gets left out and the girls go.
The girls went to Shawn’s until Sunday night. I guess I will ahve to take him back to domestic relations because he doesn’t want to pay our agreed on support. He is over a month late and hasn’t even made an excuse as to why he hasn’t paid me. I guess he won’t have a choice anymore.
I miss my husband more than ever. It was been 2 days since I have talked to him. I hate the separation with every fiber of my being. I know he doesn’t like it either, but it doesn’t stop me from being resentful. It seems like the last 3 months are going to be the hardest for me. I hope this summer flies by so I can have him home for good.
Tomorrow is a new day and that means one day closer to Eric coming home.

The longest months ever!

Here’s a question for everyone. What do you do when you realize you are a terrible parent? Not abusive, but just a bad parent. I have come to the realization that I should never have had children because I am not really good at parenting. I have no patience for children and especially my children. I have such high expectations of everyone around me, myself included and obviously children don’t work that way.
I read “Have a New Kid by Friday” and although I really enjoyed it and agreed with the author, the implentation has been harder than I thought it would be. There is so much resistance from the child camp and so much frustration from me that it really isn’t coming together at all.
I started to see a counselor because I am not able to cope any longer with the stresses that come at me daily. I feel very trapped in my family and by their actions, my house. I am faced with the fact that I may need to leave my job, which is my lifeline and sanity right now, because of the childrens’ behavior issues. I can not trust them for a minute because some of them lie at every turn. They are defiant at every turn and that in turn puts me on the defensive. Not a pleasant experience. I feel used and abused by my family and I really do not like the feeling.
I know this deployment has been so hard on everyone and apparently my problems with it are hitting so close to the end.
Right now the kids are bugging me for ice cream and movies but they don’t want to help out around the house right now. I am trying to stand my ground and not give in even though they are wearing on my last frazzled nerve with the constant whining and complaining.
School lets out in 2 and a half days which means everyone will be home for the summer. That just adds to the stresses. At least I have some summer camps and activities lined up to keep them occupied. Tomorrow we have our first and possibly last playoff game for Aidan’s baseball team. He has been doing really well with his hitting this year. I think he has gotten a hit in every game so far.
I am hoping to take the kids to the library before the game to register for the summer reading program. There are some really fun activities planned at the llibrary every Wednesday evening. That is an hour and a half a week of activity for them, even though I have to be there.
I do feel good about today though. I mowed the lawn and did the trimming, did all the laundry, cleaned my kitchen floor and walls, decor, bathed the 2 dogs and brushed them out, and have the laundry all folded to be put away. The girls don’t seem in a hurry to get the laundry put away though so I guess I will be earning their allowance tomorrow. I wish I could have gotten more done but that was a lot for one day.
Tomorrow starts another list of chores for me.